October 20, 2017

Five years ago today, I was in a horrific accident. A car accident. I was on my way to school as a junior in high school, ready to begin the day and was very excited because it was a Friday, game day. I had all the cheer supplies in my trunk for my team, eager to get to school and get through each passing hour of classes that I truly enjoyed, I loved school, I loved seeing my friends. My family and I had been staying in a hotel while our house hunting was underway, it was hard for my mother that was a single mother to four children, all sleeping in one hotel room with two queen beds but we all made it work. I had spirit week because homecoming was approaching, my mom made sure I had every bit and piece of clothing I needed to conform into the characters I wanted as each day of the week was something different. I talked her ear off about it. Although we were in the hotel and we were all scrunched up, my mom made sure I didn’t have to feel that I was missing out on anything. I began to head out from the hotel around 5:30 AM, telling my mom I loved her so much and heading out the hotel door and headed to the lobby to my car. I left so early because not only school was 45 minutes away, but I wanted to attend our Friday morning mass that always got me through my weekends and week ahead. It was pretty chilly, foggy, and completely dark outside. I was only in my car for about five minutes before I had crashed into a pick up truck that had no lights on, I didn’t see the truck, I’m still unaware of how I had missed it. Once I had struck the truck, I felt that I was in a deep daze. My head was pounding and I felt a liquid feeling all over my hands and knees. It was so dark I couldn’t figure out whether it was my water that was in the cupholder or blood. My legs were stuck and I felt restrained which I genuinely hated the feeling. My mom would tell me stories of how I would make my body stiff as a board as a child when she tried to put me in my car seat to go for car rides because I could not stand feeling restrained, restricted. I could relate to her stories in that instance because I felt so helpless. This constrained feeling came from the engine being pushed into my knees and my steering wheel being lodged into my lap. I scrambled looking for my phone because I needed to call my safe haven, my mom. I began to cry because I couldn’t find my phone and I had no way to reach my mom. I soon realize that the liquid I was feeling all over my hands and knees was blood seeing the white airbags covered with a darker color smeared and I had no idea where it was coming from. The airbags had deflated by this point and all I could smell was the powder from the airbags, it smelled like the ending of a fireworks show, gun powder. I cried more and more thinking of the financial burden my mom may be in from me losing the car that we just had purchased. I had eventually found my phone while still sitting in my seat, unable to leave because of the weight on my body. Within minutes, a car pulled alongside the truck and it was the person I had hit, it was their family. I was relieved that their family had came to check on them because I could not get out of my car to check on them myself. I was hoping a bystander that saw it would call 911. I was so scared that they were hurt, that they were injured and had life-threatening injuries. I cannot be the reason someone is scarred.

I thought and pushed very hard to get the engine off of my legs and the steering wheel out of my lap. I was able to maneuver my right leg up and lift my lower body from up under the engine. I was able to open the door and get out, a sluggish motion. My first step leaving me stumbling. I then began to panic as I saw even more blood on my body and still not feeling or understanding where it was coming from. From what I recall, the truck had a father and son in the car. I saw the mans wife jump out of her car and quickly run over to her son and her husband. At some point I do remember her coming to me and hugging me telling me that everything would be all right as I cried. Soon, my mom arrived and instantly swooped me up in her arms, trying to check every inch of my being of where the blood could be coming from. Within this timeframe, my mom was reminding me of how protected I am, how loved I am, how God and my father, as well as my closest family member and cousin, were protecting me and allowing me another chance to live freely as my situation could have been a lot worse. She reminded me that I was able to stumble from my car regardless of how hard it may have been, that I could have lost everything in a moment and suggest living in this moment and being so appreciative of this life that I still have standing in front of hers. This was vital. She did not hesitate to tell me to snap out of my sorrows within the other drivers, that its OKAY to worry about them, but to truly heal and focus on my well-being, mentally and emotionally. She emphasized that I am just as important and that I should take it slow with my pains in my body and recognizing where they were coming from, whether be physically or mentally, I’m very empathetic. These mere sentimental moments remind me of the strength that my mom would tell me to have after going through a majorly traumatic event, such as her passing on to be with God. Something as crucial as a car accident, I was relating to how she would have me handle something so painful. I guess what I’m trying to convey is that we need to have grace with ourselves and it’s OKAY to focus on our well-being during times of harsh realities where we have to take a step back and gather our emotions in a healthy manner instead of frantically trying to operate from chaos. Collectively grasping our emotions and moving forward with what it is. Allowing peace to flow through my mind and my soul was a very important aspect within my healing process because I carried guilt not only for the family that I may have injured but also the financial burden that was placed on my mom‘s heart. She reminded me that I should not consume myself with others issues and tap into the most important person on this planet and that is myself. I couldn’t operate as the fruitful, loving, and nurturing daughter/sister I was without being whole and complete. Life is so precious, we cannot waste a moment dwelling on what we cannot control. Breathe in, breathe out, release. Tell yourself you will always be OKAY. I needed to work on this for me but also my family. Don't get me wrong, I'm still taking steps to comprehend my journey is unique and I'm doing just fine. My steps backwards only make for more lessons learned and bigger steps forward. An alpha for my loved ones, I'm hard on myself. I come first so I may be who my family needs me to be, for eternity. I’ve taken plenty of time within self reflection to understand that during my grieving process, I deserve to make myself a priority and I’m still on this journey of fully figuring out how. Utilizing my moms wisdom, I’ll succeed.

Give yourself grace, you deserve peace.

Don’t forget that you’re human.

It’s okay to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there.

Cry it out and then focus on where are are headed.

• Christl Montrond

Never forgotten

Always remembered

Forever loved